sk0t.com

2008/05/07
He who dares to stand where I've stood.

There is a lot of things happening as of late... I used to think that life was colorful and filled with different shades of existence... lately, I am beginning to believe that this world is nothing more than black and white. Things are either good or bad, never in-between. I am starting to lose myself a little more and more each day. I remember being strong and I remember knowing a time when I felt as though I was semi-in-control.

Life is a disguise my friends, it is an elaborate lie told to us from birth. People aren't destined for greatness, we are destined to fail, that is why so few of us succeed. We are fed stories of true love, heroes, and epic battles that force the troubled hero into a precarious situation and watch as he beats the odds and defends his own honor in the process... what we aren't taught is that pedophiles, rapists, murders, stalkers, and kidnappers will far outnumber the unsung heroes that this world has to offer.

I'm sitting here letting my mind wander, and all I can think of is how exorbitant this lie of a world is. I try and think about the positive things that this world has to offer... but the negative succeed. We aren't horses in a race, we are gerbils in a cage. This world has nothing good to offer... we are ants in an antfarm in the scheme of things... does anyone really matter?

Cause I don't know who I am, all I know is that I should.

// sk0t @ 11:29 PM :: Comments [5] :: Digg This ::

2008/04/20
Finally!

All I have to say is: "Finally". Time Warner has finally done something right. For the past 6 months since I have lived in my new house, I have been forced to order the UFC fights in standard definition. Now, I have a 47in LCD 1080p, and I have been forced to endure SD for months now. Since their channel realignment, that have added an InHD PPV channel, and we can finally order the UFC in HD. It is truly a day to celebrate.

Last nights UFC 83: Serra vs St. Pierre 2 was the best set of fights I have seen in a while. Each fight offered something for every type of fan. Ground games to Boxing matches... it was just a great fight card... and in HD, it was even better.

// sk0t @ 10:10 AM :: Comments [3] :: Digg This ::

2008/04/08
Grafitti of Hate

I am going to start out with an apology, 2 posts within a 30 minute time frame is a little excessive, however I want to post this.

Throughout peoples lives we are forced to endure things that change our perception on life. Some people go to prison (me), and some lose a family member early in their life, and others have a mix of things that all plot the direction on the path that their life takes. I remember moments in my life that have forced me to re-evaluate who I am. Prison didn't change me, however it allowed me to view the world from another mans eyes... as I watched and listened from the outside *seeing as though I had no direct influence on the actions of the outside world*. I knew what was going on where I was, was far worse than the outside world. I was surrounded by hatred... images fly through my mind like spray paint on an overpass. I keep remembering the worst moments of my life as if through the eyes of an artist. Had I the ability to paint... I could show a masterpiece... if a poet were I... a rhythmical climax is what you would have... could I sculpt you a statue... a David you would see... but I can not do any of those... cant paint, rhyme, or sculpt... what I have is my memories, and I allow them to build and build until the moment of rupture... behind the madness, and the inherent hunt for satisfaction that fuels our quest for lifes secrets... I know that my experiences lead me to where I am... I am just not sure where that is...

// sk0t @ 11:51 PM :: Comments [0] :: Digg This ::

Changes

I am a firm skeptic when it comes to the idea of change. Here is a definition taken from dictionary.com:

changes: To become different or undergo alteration

There just isn't a lot about that definition that I can believe in when it is referenced to people. People do not change... I fall victim to my own beliefs as well... I do not change... I am the same asshole/prick/nerd/loser that I have been since as far back as I can remember. I guess the problem with 'change' that I have is this, I know the old adage: "the only thing in life that doesn't change, is the fact that things change"... however I like to be more specific and not be so vaguely generalized in reference to the topic at hand.

There are different levels of change, for example, I do not think people that cheat, can ever be labeled as non-cheaters, I do not feel that they have the ability to change. I don't think that they have it in themselves to remove that kind of label.

Also, I do not think that I have the ability to change. I have been struggling with this for quite some time. How can I change, when the things that I truly believe make so much sense? dun dun dun... you can imagine where this is leading --> I do not plan to change. I do not plan to alter my view points on life to feed a hunger that is not my own. I am who I am. I lack the basic human emotion known as compassion. I am a great empathizer, but no compassion (they differ greatly from each other). I am in a place right now of contented betrayal. I know where I stand, and I know who I am... unfortunately... they don't match up.

// sk0t @ 11:12 PM :: Comments [2] :: Digg This ::

2008/03/22
Tagged on MySpace

Tagged...
Well I guess I was tagged... damnit Mike... Oh Well, as part of the ’tagging’ I have to write about 16 weird, random things, facts, habits or goals about myself... I will be lucky I have 16 weird things about me, seeing as how normality and me are almost the same thing...

Here goes the neighborhood.

Before I start this, I, first and foremost, want to say: DO WORK!

1. I am horrified by butterflies. I went to a butterfly farm once in Canada, and one landed on me, and moments laters (although it felt like a lifetime) I had a butterfly on my shoulder, a bunch of people laughing at me, and I was standing in a puddle of my own urine... whispering to my girlfriend to get it off me. That day, work was not done.

2. I have spent some time in a federal prison. Not my proudest moment.

3. I once spent 463 hours pretending I was a woman. That involves urinating in the womens room (sitting of course), and lusting over Brad Pitt and David Hasselhoff (dont hassel the hoff).

4. I am a closet black person. Often times I read Ebony (black womans magazine) and smack hoes for not doing my bidding. I like to think that people fear, but sometimes, I stay home and night and cry because I have the physical characteristics of a disabled 11 year old girl.

5. Steven Seagal could whoop the shit out of just about everyone in the world. Chuck Norris vs Steven Seagal would create the apocalypse.

6. I have a lot of funs when I go the the bars... I do not drink, but I still have fun.

7. I am a walking encyclopedia of martial arts. I have studied several (I continue to study Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu), and I know the history and other unimportant facts of almost all of them.

8. I once got punched in the face by a girl who resembled Andre the Giant, she was 8ft tall, and looked to me, like a bulldog chewing on a wasp. She hit me for an unknown reason, cause I am sure she didnt hear be barking at her.

9. There are 3 men I trust in this world. My father, my brother, and RuPaul.

10. I like to sing at Karaoke. There are several songs that I do particularly well, and Montell Jordans ’This is How We Do it’ is my favorite.

11. I hate, with a passion, people who are all talk. I will do ANYTHING, it doesnt matter what it is, ANYTHING, because I have no inhibition.

12. There was a lot more lost than freedom during my time in prison. I hold long grudges against the people that I call my ’friends’ for not visiting me. Maybe I need professional help with it. I don’t know.

13. Some people think that I am funny, others think that I am an asshole... personally, I dont care.

14. If I won 1,000,000$, I would pay off my bills... cement my familys future... and purchase 40 virgins.

15. I have one testicle the size of a cantelope and the other is the size of a baby hampster.

16. I hate seafood.

17. Last.... oh boy. My ultimate goal in life is to kill a man named Sue. I have yet to meet a man/boy named Sue, but the day I do, is the day my first victim arrives. I dont want him to suffer, I just want to watch him die.

// sk0t @ 7:12 PM :: Comments [0] :: Digg This ::

2008/03/18
Betrayal

I want to let everyone know something... in the few weeks since my last post, a ton of things have happened. A person that I know asked me to be in his wedding a while back... originally I told him Yes... however... some things occurred... and I decided that it would be better if I withdrew my acceptance of his offer to be in his wedding... well, after that, as if I could have planned it better, it would seem that our friendship has ceased to exist. My reasons for not being in his wedding stem from my stay in prison. I am holding a grudge. I still hold it for every single person that didn't come and visit me (the question isn't who didn't come, cause it's far shorter to tell you who did come).
You have heard me complain about this many times... you've heard my rants, you read my posts, and you've listened to my raves... And, yet, with all of that, I cannot impress on you the impact that this whole few years has had. I don't mind beating a dead horse. I am also telling you all that I can not get over it... everytime I see these people... I wonder what was so important, and they couldn't come and see me in prison... I've heard the excuses: money and time... but that still doesn't tell me why... while you were having these money problems (even though a ride to my prison would be free if you rode with my girlfriend who was more than willing to have anyone ride along --- no one took her up on it though) did you find time to go out to the bars at all? YOUR GOOD FRIEND IS SITTING IN PRISON AND YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE THE CONSIDERATION FOR YOUR FRIEND TO SUPPORT HIM IN HELL... GREAT FRIENDS YOU ARE... I do not feel as though I did anything wrong to my friends to have them not visit... I will tell you all that my friends will get from me what they give me... nothing... I will still talk to them... I will still run the routine... but I am declaring a new start... a start when my friendship can be bought and paid for... God knows earning and trusting friends are only in the movies...

"While you are suffering, know that I have betrayed you"

That quote is exactly how I feel... like I was told by everyone: "Scott, while you are rotting in prison, and you need your friends and support the most... the worst time anyone can ever imagine... we won't be there... we won't even try..."

All I can say, is game over.

// sk0t @ 10:57 PM :: Comments [3] :: Digg This ::