2009/06/23
I remember. If I can get over a few things, maybe I fix a small portion of the imperfection that my life has become. I've realized that my time, however spent, needs to be filled with things that can take me away from my own thoughts. I know that no one gets what I get, and realistically, how could you? I walk a broken man, and, although I have everything I want, I am still left incomplete. I lost something a long time ago that I haven't been able to find.

I think about the perfect life, and how I used to think that my future would lead me there. It's unfortunate that I can't ever get there. Contaminated by my own actions, and burned by my own fire, it is just too late. If I could just take back a few things, I could fix some of the broken parts, and get to a life that is as close to perfect that I think I will ever be.

I know I can't get back what I did. I know that I've lost a part of my life, my dignity, and myself, that I can never get back. I have done a lot of things I am not proud of, a lot of things that I can never forget. Is that payback enough? Is losing almost everything enough to quench the thirst of vengeance? I hope so. I feel completely lost... I have 2 people in my life that mean the world to me, and I can't be who they want me to be because I can't forget. Everyday, I remember... I remember the long days and sleepless nights, I remember wishing every second of everyday that I was someone else. Someone who isn't anything like me.

To all of you who tell me to get over it: I wish I could. Do you think people want to relive nightmares over and over? I used to think that it would be easy to forget... that I would come home, and start from where I left off... but that didn't happen. I despise myself for not being able to let this go... I hate myself everyday for what happened then, and what happens now... and now my thoughts are tainted by my experiences in hell. It is more than just prison too. From the FBI rolling up on me at 6AM, to the meetings with the lawyer, to the trial days, to sentencing, to surrender day.... and everything in between then and now... a nightmare I can't seem to wake up from.

When I think I have it beat... it creeps back up. Maybe someday... I can add just a little taste of perfection to my ever so imperfect world... I don't expect to be who I was... but I hope someday to stop it from consuming me.

I don't ever want to forget, I just hate it when I remember. // sk0t @ 11:23 PM :: Comments [1] :: Digg This ::