2006/10/24
Nightmares You know, throughout this whole experience of mine, I have come to a few conclusions...
1) No matter what happens to me, on any level, I will be the only person to comprehend the magnitude of the situation.
2) No one can understand what I am going through, even people who know what is going on, can't know the reality and possibility that this holds for me in a negative light.
3) Everynight I dream that this isn't real, and every morning I wake up to the nightmare of reality.

--I know that to a lot of you people, I am just an asshole who doesn't give a damn about anyone other than himself... and you are right.

No one knows what it feels like to know that in a few months you will be taken away from your family. Freedom stricken, and the control that people take for granted, stripped from me. Some of you will take it lightly, 'oh, you wont go anywhere bad, it will be like Camp Cupcake'. To you I say, 'Then go for me'. Have your world turned upside down, have your life that you know, taken from you. Have your future altered by deeds so miniscule that you didn't consider the ramifications...

No one understands... you may think that I whine and complain about things I don't even know of... again I will tell you to find out for me then.

Do you think I am depressed? Do you think I am sad? Do you think a day goes by that I don't dread my sentencing date, and ponder what's going to happen? Do you think that I have considered the possibility that I just wont be here anymore? Do you think that each and everyday I don't think about the future of who I am now? Or who I will become later? Do you think that this real? And can you save me from this nightmare? // sk0t @ 7:08 AM :: Comments [3] :: Digg This ::

2006/10/21
Timing... Today I want to talk about timing...

Now for the past month or so, I have been on a streak of horrible luck (aside from the obvious plaguing my thoughts)... I have been involved in a hit-and-run (my car was hit, and the person ran)... I got a flat tire at the most in-opportune time (I was getting ready to drive out of town on a Sunday), and I lost my job yesterday. I guess, that with all the shit that has been going on in my life, it was in the design to add some more.

I have been the best sport about this whole situation... I haven't blown up (yet). I haven't changed any routines, or slipped out of the norm. I haven't really personally taken the time to let me emotions set in... and I do this for 2 reasons... what good can come from me flipping out and letting this situation, that most 24 year olds never have to deal with, get the best of me?

To be honest, it seems that I have alienated all of my friends, and it might be all my fault, but do you think just one of them would ask how I was doing? No one seems to care... Just once, would I like someone to ask me how I am doing, or how I feel about all of this... that would have helped out a lot, to know that someone, one person of all the people I know, cared enough to see how I was doing...

I hate to tell all of you this now, but you are too late... // sk0t @ 4:18 AM :: Comments [5] :: Digg This ::

2006/10/13
Secrets There is a world that we all live in... outside of the life we show to others... a secret we don't dare tell to anyone... and the thought of someone finding out is unbearable... it causes people to do things they wouldnt normally do... it makes people fear who they really are... and it causes people to close themselves off to the normal intimate relations that life brings... you could say that we all live a double life... one we show to the world in all its embelished splendor, and one that we bottle up in a package that we only show to our inner most thoughts... what is your secret? a question that by definition can't be answered ethically... who are you really? another question that by sheer honesty can only be answered if you leap the hurdle of introspection and climb the ladder of justification... We are intimate and close people... we want relationships to transcend the normal interactions of life... and we want people to talk to... we want people to know who we are, and not judge us based on the decisions we make, but respect us and support the reasons we have to make those decisions... each of us desire to be loved and cared for... unfortunately, no matter who we are inside, no matter what we show on the outside, we will always be alone... the person you want to be, is never the person you are... // sk0t @ 2:16 AM :: Comments [0] :: Digg This ::

2006/10/12
Hmm.. You know recently I have heard (of) a lot of people discussing my current situation. Each of you know it now because of the previous posts so there is no need for me to digress.
--Onto topic: I have come to the conclusion that no matter who I am friends with, and no matter what situations arise, I will always be alone. No one can quite seem to comprehend what is going on, and (to be really honest with you) I get the impression that no one really cares. As has been said before, I am never the first person someone calls when they want to go out and do something... not the first one called when there is a game of football, or if people are going out to the bars, or even if there is a nice event planned... I am just not that guy... do I attribute that to character flaws within myself? Yes. Is there anything I can do about it? Not at this moment in time.
--Back onto topic: A few times I have heard remarks from people saying that I don't know what is going on, or I hear jokes being made about PMITA... and to be quite honest... I am at the point now where I would rather not speak to anyone, than have to hear the idiocy that comes from peoples mouths. I don't walk up to you and say: "My _______, you are starting to put on a few pounds, tubby." (WELL TO SOME MAYBE), but not to complete strangers...

Please read this everyone... and if its you... GO TO HELL. // sk0t @ 12:20 AM :: Comments [0] :: Digg This ::

2006/10/02
***Problems*** It has become apparently clear to me that my thought process about certain topics is far skewed in comparison to others...

I do not want to get into any specifics about this topic of mine, but just want to shed a small light onto the developments in my life over the last couple days.

Is it wrong of me to think that behind my hard exterior, and emotionless attitude toward the obvious tragedy that is going on in my life, that people would stop to think how I am handling the situation... I can honestly say that if a friend of mine was in my situation (aside from the jokes), I would be genuinely concerned about their mental state, and work hard to make sure that they had the right channels in which to evoke some type of help in their obvious struggle.

But as it seems, the world (world=mine) is so self-indulged with their own problems (be it justified or not), that it seems that friendship is now based not on loyalty and honesty, but by accepting blind ignorance and supporting things you cant truthfully agree with.

What's a world where the only thing worth living for, is something you have no control over?

I will post more later today, I have to go to work now. // sk0t @ 9:18 AM :: Comments [1] :: Digg This ::